


A Gentleman Never Kisses And Tells

by The_Sea_Calls



Category: Batman - Fandom
Genre: Background character death(mentioned), Established/Referenced Marriage, Gossip, M/M, Wedding traditions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-24 22:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22125646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Sea_Calls/pseuds/The_Sea_Calls
Summary: What do you get when you marry someone and don’t tell any of your friends resulting in them finding out after you go to court?Answer: The start of a mess.
Relationships: Edward Nygma/Jonathan Crane
Comments: 1
Kudos: 68





	A Gentleman Never Kisses And Tells

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by: A Completely Rational Suggestion (the account has been orphaned)
> 
> I’m not that good at writing and I feel like this is total crap. Please don’t be afraid to call me out on my shit.
> 
> p.s. I don’t own the characters
> 
> p.p.s. There was a few spelling errors that I missed the last time I proofread it. But that’s all taken care of.  
> ———————————————————————————————————————————

“Have you heard?”, said citizen A  
“Heard what?”,questioned citizen B  
“The Scarecrow and Riddler is married to each other!”, Citizen A excitedly tells Citizen B

“What! No way.”, exclaimed citizen B.  
“Yes way!”, citizen A exclaimed back.

***

“Hey Josh, have ya heard the news yet!”,mechanic number 1 yelled.  
“What news?”,questioned mechanic number 2.  
“They’re sayin’ that the riddle man is hitched with the one wannabe scarecrow!”

Mechanic number 2 peaks up his head from under the hood. “Really! Wait, how do you know that an’way?”

“Well, when they went to the courts the cops tried to do that forced testimony thing. But I guess there’s some law that prevents it.”, said mechanic number 1.

Mechanic number 2 furrows his eyebrows before speaking. ”Won’t they still go to Arkham? They were caught tryin’ to rob that one chemical place?”

Mechanic number 1 snorts before answering.  
“Yeah, that’s where all the psychos go an’way. Just that this time it’s only a year added on to the time they won’t serve.”

***

A cat stalks across a rooftop. Muttering to herself, “Eddie you’re going to pay.” 

She jumps down a few ledges before landing on the ground.

“To think that I missed the chance at being a bridesmaid.” She stalked down the alleyway, already making plans for the “not-so-new” newly-weds

***

A harlequin and plant have a conversation. The plant not caring for the actions of others while the harlequin schemes.

“Hey Ivy!”  
“Yes?”, says the green woman. 

“You wanna join me in confronting Eddie and Jonny?”  
Ivy sighs before turning the page of her book.

“No, what they decide to do in their own time is none of our business.”

Harley pouts as she answers. “Awwww, but they didn’t even throw a party!”  
“Not everyone likes parties.”

Harley jumps up suddenly, grinning widely at the idea that just zapped through her head.

“Ooh, I know what we could do!”  
Ivy rolls her eyes before answering.  
“Please don’t say throw a party.”

She grins impossibly wider before speaking. “We should throw them a party!!”

Ivy sighs again as she closes her book. “Harley. If they didn’t throw a party in the first place, it's probably because they didn’t want one.”

“But Iiiiiiivyyyyy.”, Harley whined, “It’s not going to be a big one! Just a tiny, “Congratulations! When were you going to tell us!”, sorta thing.” 

Ivy puts her book down and picks up another before speaking. “I still think this is a bad idea, but I see”, even though she has not looked up once during this whole ordeal, “that nothing I say, or anyone, can make you stop now.”

Harley jumps in spot at whatever plan she’s already cultivating.  
“Nope!”

***

A group of henchmen sit in a circle playing ‘go fish’.

The newest of the group looks over to one of the oldest members before speaking. 

“Hey Dmitri, do you think the boss is really married to the Riddler?”

Henchman number 1, a.k.a. Dmitri, looks up briefly before speaking.  
“Well, they’ve always been sorta close. They’re also incredibly private people so this really shouldn’t be such a big surprise. Do you have any 3’s?”

“Go fish...do you think one of them changed their last names?”

Dimitri snorted.

“Don’t be foolish. They’re too prideful. Although, I could see them using a hyphenation.”

Everyone one is quiet before a voice breaks the silence with a dreadful question.  
“...who do you think got to list their name first?”

Dmitri groans and rubs his face. “Please don’t make me imagine that headache.”

***

Two inmates are mopping an empty kitchen. Their guard is a slacker, and just left instead of calling ahead of time for a replacement, who decided to go take a piss.

They’re both quiet until the one named Edward breaks the silence.

“I think we should have thought this out a little more.”

Jonathan waits a moment before speaking.

“...perhaps.”

Edward quickly reiterates.

“Not that I regret it or anything but I really don’t want to face Selina. Or Harley. Especially not Harley.”

They’re silent again before Jonathan replies. “She’s most likely planning a party as we speak.”

Edward snorts.

“How many people do you think she’ll invite?”

“Currently unknown. Even as my student, she was a wild card.”

“You know, there is more than one type of wild card.”, Edwards says.

Jonathan stills for a moment before looking at Edward.

“I know what you’re hinting at and it’s not going to happen as long as we are here.”

Edward frowns.  
“Not even a little-“, Jonathan cuts him off, “No. Are you an exhibitonist?”

“No, but it is a wedding tradition. Which, might I remind you, you got to do one.”, Edward crosses his arms on top of the mop before plopping his head down, “I won’t ever forget you carrying me across the threshold of my own apartment. Or the two days you suffered on the couch afterward.”

Jonathan sighs at the memory before starting to mop again.

“I remember it quite well Edward.”

“I’m just saying is that you got to try an old tradition and now I want to take a poke at it. If you know what I’m saying.”

Jonathan rolls his eyes as he speaks. “Edward, if it weren’t for the rules of this facility-“

“When have rules ever stopped you?”

“Multiple times, actually.”

Edward looks over to him questioningly.  
“Like?”

“It’s a long answer.”, said Jonathan. Still mopping.

“Now you’re just avoiding the question.”, said Edward. Not mopping.

“I’m not avoiding anything. If we are to refer back to the series of events that occurred last month you will see that the rules of—“

The careless guard decides that this was the moment to walk back into the room.

“All right boys that’s enough talking! The doctors want to see you before your hour of “social interaction”. “

Edward smirked as he opened his mouth.  
“You know, if you say it anymore dreadfully, I just might start thinking that you don’t like us!” He said, clearly edging the guard on.

The guard growls in response before huffing. Apparently deciding that beating in Edwards face wasn’t worth losing his job.

“Get moving, freaks.”

Jonathan, who has finally stopped mopping and is now watching the guard, narrows his eyes at him. 

“That’s rude.”

They put down their mops and left the room to frustrate, a.k.a. terrorize, the doctors.

——-

They escaped two weeks later.

And if that guard happens to be the first one dead, well, it is said that you should never kiss and tell.


End file.
